My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I deserve this hangover.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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