I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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