the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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