I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
