I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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