it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
