Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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