Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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