I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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