Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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