i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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