i was born a porn star she said
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Mom said you looked used
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
