I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
