twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
