I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize