Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
