if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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