Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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