I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
