nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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