the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
