Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Dick very happy bro
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
