im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize