I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
