you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
