you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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