my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Watching her eat just hurts me
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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