Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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