i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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