I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
