I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
