I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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