My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
