She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
