My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
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