the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
