I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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