She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
