I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
