I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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