you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
