Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
worst night to have a conscience
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
