In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
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