i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
