He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
