I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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