This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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