I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
