YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Randomize
