2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Do you still have your period?
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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