the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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