Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize