i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
