I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize