he looks like a really good dad on facebook
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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