youre lurking in front of me
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
