she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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