I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
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