dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Randomize
