I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Why did my mother make you get naked?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize