It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
