forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
